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... And then someone goes and reminds me that when it comes down to it, we have a lot of decent, kind-hearted folk.

Warms the cockles of my heart, it does.

(Of course, I tried to talk the person responsible out of their generous impulses, because I am a self-sabotaging bear.)
04 February 2011 @ 12:53 pm
So, mother dragged me down to see our family GP to try to do something about my downward spiral of patheticness. He suggested, and prescribed, new drugs. Mirtazapine and duloxetine, to be exact.

Well, started on the mirtazapine first at night, as recommended ... and wow, they knocked me the fuck out. havent slept like that in YEARS. Problem was, I was doped out all the next day. I was told I'd adjust and get over the morning drowsiness, but I was a bit skeptical. Still, getting to sleep well is a lovely change.

Then after weaning off the Zoloft, I've started the duloxetine in tandem with the shovel-to-the-skull knockout drugs and ... wow. I went to sleep straight away as usual, but when I woke up, I was *awake*.

I haven't been awake in years. Full-on, sharp and bright and seeing everything *awake*. It's like an enormous weight I didn't know had been there was taken off my shoulders.

Early days yet, but... things are finally looking up.
30 January 2011 @ 03:41 pm
So, I'm thinking of leaving Kirin Tor with Malabolg.

I love the Pig and Whistle, but I have to face facts. Raiding on a North American timeframe is fine at the moment because I'm a lousy student. But if I ever get, y'know, a real job or something (and don't just end up in a mental home somewhere), I'll have to raid at night if I want to raid at all. And I dooooo like raiding.

We might have the numbers to revive our Oceanic nights, but honestly, I'm very unsure, and Oceanic was always very ... tenuous as far as reliability went. And to be honest, I really want to try my hand at a more competitive raiding environment.

So I guess it's time to start guild-hunting.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
17 January 2011 @ 12:42 am
It's been a long time since I posted here. Guess I just didn't have anything to say.

Grafton didn't get washed away, which is good. A few other places downriver did, but then, that's what having levees around Grafton does.

The whole place stinks of rotting grass, because the prevailing winds are blowing over the saturated floodplain to the north of town. I really think I should invest in a convenient cold or something.

I'm still depressed, I still don't have a job, and I still don't know why I'm going back to school. Some things don't change.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
04 April 2010 @ 12:38 am
I've been a fan of the Fall From Heaven modpack for Civ for some time. I've followed one of its children, Fall Further, as it's wandered further and further afield, and then tottered off after Rise From Erebus, which started when one of the more prolific module authors for Fall Further decided to amuse himself while FF was on hiatus.

I'm trying to get to grips with how to play the Jotnar, the race of giants introduced in FF and redesigned in RfE. I've found I'm most fond of races in FfH and its derivatives that break basic rules of the Civ experience, and Jotnar fit the bill - the bulk of their units come from random spawns of new Jotnar Citizens in the cities, based off how many there already are and how many cities you have. This takes care of those pesky guards and scouts and such and lets me concentrate on building things, and I've always been an inveterate builder in Civ.

In fact, I'm usually so obsessed with expansion and building in Civ that I kinda lose interest when it comes time to turn that raw economic power into a victory condition. Which is the block I'm trying to get past with the Jotnar - issue is, which way to go with them?

Though their unit numbers are limited, they get such VERY strong units to compensate, and they're all cool, so conquest with any of those would work. Excellent techers, so Tower of Mastery is easily in reach. Their religious line is lovely, so religious victory or building the Altar of the Luonnatar to win is painless too.

Maybe I should just try to win a game in each victory condition, and see how it goes.
03 April 2010 @ 10:47 pm
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be with the PnW. And by extension, how much longer I'm going to bother with WoW as a whole.

I realized tonight that the most fun I've had in the past month or so has been when I'm off in some corner of the world, nattering on an alt, ignoring pretty much everything the guild is doing. Raiding is a dull drudge spotted through with the occasional piece of loot at best, a beat-my-head-on-the-desk exercise in high-stress cat-herding at worst. And it's practically the only thing I do with the guild - I don't PvP, I usually don't get in on the sillier stuff, I hardly ever hang around to knock out random dailies with them (even though 3 of my 80s specced tank precisely so I could drag guild DPS through randoms in a timely manner while I was getting my daily frosties).

And fuck that, that's another thing shitting me. Daily frosties? I feel fucking *guilty* if I miss a day's random EoFs on even one of my 80s. Not running Kozkhov through to at least pick up PSar to get stuff crafted for the others makes me feel guilty, and I'm already running four others through. I feel like any chance I miss to squeeze another fraction of performance out of Mala and co. is one extra bit I'm hurting the other raiders. Fuck Blizzard with a rusty sawblade for dangling that fucking carrot in front of my obsessive personality and watching me chase after it mewling. Lootlootloot, I'm a fucking dog in a Pavlov experiment.

And slowly but surely the people I got started in the guild with, who welcomed me and made it worth my time to stick around in the first place, are bleeding away. Suki gets chased out, tries to come back but gets frozen out and goes away, Meng's off hardcoring it up, Eri's frustrated and Jhadim's bored, Aelf's hiding and Alb's bored too. There's one person from Oceanic who was there when I came there left. ALmost the entire roster of the guild has changed over from when I joined up, and I just don't feel the attachment to the new guard that I do to the people who put up with me through my noobishness and showed me that MMO stuff didn't have to be a cesspool of idiots, bigots and sociopaths.

And I don't want to take a break, because I can still get fun out of this game. Kozhan and Slooshy are a blast, Kozhak is great, Dulgore is chewing his way through Azeroth in highly entertaining fashion. I don't need a break from the game, I need a break from the guild and feeling like I have to grind like a gold-farmer to prop up our raiding core... and taking that break will just make me feel more guilty.

Maybe this is just missing my meds a few days talking - need to pick them up on Tuesday, for what fucking good they do. I swear, the only thing that's helped me with my depression is a long, hard dedication to the art of distracting myself with shinies and games. Oh, wait, that's what put me in my current situation anyway. Well, oops. Guess I'm just fucked. Or need better drugs.
Current Mood: fuck the world
18 September 2008 @ 03:28 am
The first word anyone who gets to know me at all in real life would probably describe me with is 'arrogant'. (Don't laugh, WoW-friends - despite what you may think, I really do behave myself around you folks.)

And yet, I realise that the reason I don't publish much on this journal that isn't smut is because fundamentally, I can't believe anyone would find personal stories from me interesting.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
13 September 2008 @ 08:12 am
I woke up early this morning. Very early, which is unusual. My sleep's been deep and long lately - but I woke up this morning just as the sky began to grey with dawn.

My counsellor's been telling me I need to exercise more. When I was younger, I loved to walk, particularly at night or during twilight times - so I've been thinking of doing that again. It's so hard to make myself get out of my room, though.

But this morning, it felt right. So I dragged myself out of bed, and dressed, and wandered out into the cool, crisp morning air.

And honest to god, I have not felt so good in months. The sun was just peeking up over the horizon when I got to the Botanical Gardens, lighting up the clouds and sparkling across the lily ponds. It was stunningly beautiful, and for a little while I could just empty my head of the usual crap I carry around and just ... be, for a while.

I think I need to walk more, in the cool mornings.
05 December 2007 @ 12:11 am
Well, this is my first ever Livejournal entry. I'm not really intending to make many of these, but I might need the forum to bitch every now and again.

But, for now, it's late, and I'm tired.
Current Mood: sleepysleepy